Saturday, 8 April 2017

I am nearly at peace with myself today

28 years. That is how old I am today. Or using cliche, that is how young. Yes, it is my birthday today. And as happens on any birthday, a lot of thoughts have been criss-crossing my mind since the other day. The most sordid of them last evening was if people would remember at all. Well, some certainly did. They called up. And wished. Irrespective of how much one likes to be alone and avoid all the drama, it feels good. It feels good when people remember small details about you. When they call you up to tell they are drunk. But wish you. Others will, perhaps during the day. Or not. They may have something important to do. They must be busy with someone. Everyone has a life after all. And it is not always about me. That is what i tell myself anyhow.

I have been a fairly well known person, in and outside my friend circle. From high school days, i have talked to and known people of other study groups and classes, people from other sections of the school. The trend continued during engineering, when i would know more people across branches than my own branch. As i reflect back on the why of it, i am sure it was because i could talk and say the right things at the right time. And respect people for who they were. There were some who i felt did not match my intellect. I did not disrespect them. I simply never talked to them, to avoid a confrontation. 

I have never been loyal to one group or a set of friends. I do not have any best friend or friends. There have been friends. Good friends. Better friends. Friends who have come and are long gone from my life. Girls i have loved. And girls, who have loved me. We walk our chosen paths today, seldom crossing each other's eye sight. I have no favourites. I try not to have biases, for people and situations. Things and places. I do not know if that is good or bad. I think that is good. 

That brings me to ask, why do we crave for attention? Why do I crave for attention? As far as i remember, i have never liked the glare of limelight. I have never been the centre of attention and deliberately avoided being the topic of discussion. Then why the worry? Of being forgotten, of being a nobody among your peers or even among friends. Perhaps, it is the fear of being forgotten, of ending up dead just as another number rather than a name that haunts me the most. Or it has, until now. 

That changes today. For now i am at peace with myself. Nearly. I think i am at peace with myself finally. On the journey to know myself over all these years, and particularly the last decade, i have realised that i will not be forgotten so easily. That i will not be a nobody. I will have to work hard for it. I am working towards it. 

I have been reading good. Not necessarily what is prescribed to get into universities and higher places of education. I have been reading from the arsenal of books i have collected over the past five years. My thirst for reading is growing. I do not always do justice to it. It is nonetheless a work in progress and i am content with that.

I have been actively trying to be more and more respectful towards everyone. There are people i do not agree with. I listen to them. I respect people around me more. Accepting that it is now always about me is one change i have been trying to imbibe, to learn and accept. It takes time and a lot of effort. The mind wants to, the heart never wants to. I fight the battle everyday and try to let the mind win these skirmishes.

I do not get angry if people remember me only when they need me. I might have been their first resort, or the last. How does it matter? They need help and i help if i can. That people are selfish is inherent in them. That does not mean they are bad. No! These are good people who just have too much on their plate. Certainly, people have used me in the past for their benefit. They will in future. The only difference now will be that i will bend only till it does not hurt me. I will adjust only till i have space for myself. It is really that simple. I do not have to fret over it. And i am allowed to be that selfish to think about myself over others.

I have started owing up to my mistakes. In the past, i brushed them under the carpet, closed my eyes like an Ostrich and pretended that the problem was never there. That never helped the case. I realised it late. But, hey! I realised it. And i am still working on it. Nonetheless, i am glad i am working on it.

What would i like to work on going ahead? My attention span. It is fickle as fuck. And the ability to concentrate as well. To sit down and write. To sit down and read for longer hours. To read more than what i have been currently. I would like to stand up more for people who care about me. I would like to be a little more biased towards people who tell me that they care about me. I would like to take their side, standby them when they need me. And when they do not. I will keep repeating to myself that it is not always about me. That people are good. They may be selfish. But certainly mean no harm. 

The list of things to improve is endless. There are some things which i do not even know about. In the future i would like to know them, work on them and maybe improve on them. 

I write this while my favourite 'Madhushala', written by Harivansh Rai Bachchan and crooned by Manna Dey plays in the background. I have not come across a better poem and a better poet-singer combination up until now. I can say with some surety that this is my favorite poem. That i am at peace. 

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