Monday, 4 August 2014

Take your things and go to Hell!

You know what, I'm not even going to bother introducing the topic.I am as outraged as the aunty in my neighborhood, who claims that her pickles are being stolen by someone. Give or take, 2 kgs have been stolen. I am as angry as the Hulk always is. At least, that is what this fellow Mark Ruffalo claims.

Why? Here's why! What's with these 10 things, 20 things, 65 things, 45995 things to do this, to do that, to not do... trend? My tolerance level for such articles has stooped to a This is Sparta level. These aren't write-ups, they are fuck-ups! One look at them and you will notice that such "articles" are actually the internet's bile. They are, collectively, the MNREGA of the web world, and the websites promoting them are, in all probability, Indira Awas Yojana beneficiaries. They are as useless as Indian Idol. Add to this, they run on the fuel of "journalism".

One pigeon shit-esque headline, 50 words, 10 gifs, 15 random photos, (which page 1 of Google Images spews) and bingo, the 'article' is ready. I mean, really? Even Rohit Sharma works harder than this on his batting. And to rub it in, people call this journalism?  Give the profession some respect, yaar! If you do not have sufficient resources to go out and report, write about good books, bad books, good movies, bad movies or reviews. Write about food, houses and their architecture, bottles, chairs, politicians or even cats. Go ahead and analyze baby videos if you want to. Hell, for that matter, even personal experiences and screw-ups make for a good read. But these  'name place animal' thing articles make no sense whatsoever. They are a disgrace to the art of writing. They hang somewhere between bad articles and Unani dawakhana advertisements.(On some counts, that maybe a gross violation of my rights as a human being).

But hey, these articles sell like hot cakes, right? So what if the cake is so hot that it turns you into Shahrukh Khan of Koyla. Sell it, shove it down our throats and up yours too. But before you do that, here, take lessons on how to write one such piece of shit.

How to write a 10 things type article :-

  1. Choose a really really reaaaaaly useless topic. Cross- check the standard with a Sajid Khan movie script.

  2. Now, using using all the gray matter of your brain, open Google, click on 'Images', and search for irrelevant pictures.

  3. GIF FTW. Make truckloads of .gif and put one in every corner. It is good for the Vastu and feng-shui of the article.

  4. Now, put in words here and there which have absolutely no relevance with the idea. Almost there, a few more steps.

  5. Try to put in "real emotions" and fail miserably at doing so. Collect all those cheesy, mushy ideas, mash them together and let it dry.

  6. Marinate it with a stupid ending. Care must be taken to ensure that coherence, rationality and comprehensibility do not creep in.

  7. Put the .gifs in any random order. The most trusted working formulas are 'Eeny, meeny, miny, moe' and 'inky pinky ponky'.

  8. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT cross check for any grammatical errors under any circumstances whatsoever. It is rude and unhygienic.

  9. Go ahead, hit 'publish'. Hit it! Now wait for the numbers to start trickling in. Who cares about quality, anyway. BhaiRockzzzzzz.

  10. P.S :- I don't think this nomenclature started with Heath Ledger's 10 things I hate about you. If anyone tells you so, punch them in their face, and consider it one of those conspiracy theories.



  1. Ha Ha I can visualize your indignant face whilst you penned this. they actually dare call it journalism?I am guilty of having read & sometimes enjoyed many such write-ups though :) Not all of them are in teh same league as Sajid Khan's movie scripts.

  2. Exactly my feelings. And look at the gravity of it, corporates are actually using it to promote their products online. It has gone ugly to that level.

  3. I can feel the outraged emotions in here. We should keep these tips in mind, who knows I might use in entertaining my readers from who often wants action.